You don't get that sort of thing in this game, however here are a few tips ..\n\na)Use 'BookMark' to save your position.\nb)Use 'Rewind' sparingly, it is slighty temperamental (buggy!!)\nc)Always wash between your toes - it prevents infection.\nd)Never drink Diet-Coke.\ne)Never shag your best friend .. no matter what sex they are!!!\nf)'Restart Story' is about as much use as a chocolate kettle.
[[Balrog]] huffed and puffed but the [[chest]] was too heavy to move ...
[[Balrog]] dabbed downwards with a podgy finger but nothing happened - perhaps there are no [[batteries]] in it or maybe they are the wrong way around - either way [[Balrog]] needs it to open the door to the '[[smallest-room]]' and that is at the [[bottom of the garden]].
[[Balrog]] has no idea what they are called but he watches them every morning as they poke about the nooks and crannies of the [[apple-trees]] in search of the [[small hairy worms]].
New, shiny and very expensive - it was [[Balrog]]'s latest purchase and his plan to stop intruders entering the '[[smallest-room]]' without his permission.\n\nAlong the bottom were engraved the words "Made in Teewin".
The opposite side to the 'top' ... if memory serves me right.
Slowly [[Balrog]] eased himself down on to his knees and then peered under the [[briar-hedge]] just in time to see a small gang of [[ants]] scurrying off clutching the [[batteries]].
Triple AAA, cylinders of throbbing power .. or at least that is what the [[advert]] called them.
[[Balrog]] scampered indoors and ran up the stairs as fast as his little [[legs]] would carry him ... he eventually emerged (albeit breathless) into '[[The Attic]]'.
Once a fine example of the art of 'carpet-weaving' it was now dull, moth-eaten and well in need of a good beating.\n\n*<<choice "Lift Carpet">>
Small gold discs, engraved with the details of the various winners and the year(s) of their victories.\n\nYou will never see one engraved with the words 'World Cup Winner' and 'Scotland' at the time .. at least not in my lifetime.
Home of one of the great '[[Music-Festivals]]' and well-known for [[mud]], [[mud]], and even more [[mud]].
Could be Gold, diamonds or jewels but most probably it is just the copies of 'Naked Gnomes & Elves'.
Where all sensible folk are laid to rest ...
A yearly ritual, usually consisting of a few sweetmeats or some stale bicuits - depending upon where [[Mrs Balrog]] did the weekly shopping.
The ones written by people who actually know what they are doing ... not daft old prats like me!!!
[[Balrog]] delved into his arse-pocket, dug out his [[phone]] and dialed the [[Gnome]] who lived up the street .. some moments later the [[Gnome]] answered.\n\n"Slap & Dash Plasterers here, can I help you ?"\n\n"Yep," mumbled [[Balrog]] "Who asked you to plaster that patch in my [[attic]]?"\n\n"Some [[ants]]," replied the [[Gnome]] "and the little sods still owe me for the work."\n\n[[Balrog]] hung up and stuffed the [[phone]] back into his pocket.
Behind Closed Doors 6
From the same place as the stout [[timbers]] ....
Looking remarkably neat and trim considering all the [[rain]] there had been recently.\n\nHowever the [[rhubarb]] had wilted and the [[apple-trees]] were quite bare of fruit ...
Strange little wriggly things that dwell in the nooks and crannies of the [[apple-trees]].
Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, [[Balrog]] took one step backwards .. albeit rather creakily.
Curious creatures who took great delight in leaping off high cliffs ...
Slightly bigger than [[frog]]s and not quite as 'green-coloured' .. unless they have been on the [[illicit booze]] of course.
Dry, crunchy brown stuff that tastes a bit like the stuff it is supposed to be 'shifting'.
Neatly applied and expertly skimmed, it looked to be the work of the [[Gnome]] who lived up the street. It appears to have been done quite recently.\n\n*<<choice "Phone Gnome">>
Sturdy briar-wood, its branches intertwined along its entire length and formed a solid barrier between here and the [[Troll]] who lived next-door.
Round and red ... what more could be said ?\n\n
Growing nicely along the side of the garden, it had been recently trimmed into shape with the aid of the electric '[[hedge-trimmers]]' that [[Balrog]] bought last year.
[[Balrog]] wiggled the [[ball]] this way and that before grabbing a loose corner and unravelling the [[ball]] ... \n\nLying on the floor were some pages of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' and a small gold [[medallion]].\n\n*<<choice "Read pages">>\n*<<choice "Read gazzette">>
It was the 'instruction-manual' that came with the [[small black box]]
Once a proud, lengthy 2B it was now reduced to a small stub .. however it still had a sharp point as [[Balrog]] had sharpened it only this morning.\n\nAround the point were some bits of [[plasterwork]] ...
Used to allow [[doors]] to be opened and closed.
Reluctantly [[Balrog]] lay down again and delved into the darkness under the [[briar-hedge]] ... \n\nJust then a small green [[frog]] hopped out and stood just inches from [[Balrog]]'s nose.\n\n*<<choice "squash frog">>\n*<<choice "examine frog">>\n*<<choice "talk to frog">>
Situated at the top of the house and home to a very large 'damp [[patch]]', a moth-eaten [[old carpet]] and a wooden [[chest]].
Well polished 'Docs' with new stripey laces.
Once a proud, lengthy 2B it was now reduced to a small stub .. however it still had a sharp point as [[Balrog]] had sharpened it only this morning.
Where [[Mrs Balrog]] normally hung the little [[sheets]] of newspaper .. however today there were none hanging there. \n\n"Hmm," thought [[Balrog]], "Guess today's '[[Financial Pages]]' will be put to a good use after all."
The other operation [[keys]] are needed for.
Looks to be a couple of pages of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' crumpled up tightly.
Constructed from stout [[timbers]] and square [[tiles]], it keeps the elements out and provides a resting-place for the [[black birds]] of this world.
Small, black and compact, it was the remote-control for the door to the '[[smallest-room]]'.
Nice yellow cereal that tastes good and does you good .. or so it says on the packet!!
Normally they served to convey the water that ran off the roof to the drainpipe that ran down the wall and into the drain below.\n\nHowever the [[rooks]] had a tendency to nest in them ....
Which type do you want .. Mortice, Yale or Padlock ???\n\nDon't be f*cking daft, [[Balrog]] can't pick his nose let alone pick a [[lock]] ....
Across the top were the words "Genuine Automated Roller-Door Remote-Control".\n\nPrinted in very small letters along the bottom appears to be the words 'Press Button To Operate' - followed by 'A product of Teewin'.
It was dark, dirty and very hard to see anything.
The least said about this the better but rumour has it that there were dozens of copies of it 'stored' away in the dusty depths of the [[attic]].
[[Balrog]] tried digging into it with his podgy fingers but managed to achieve very little ... it would need something a bit 'sharper' to make an impression on the [[plasterwork]]\n\n*<<choice "Inventory">>\n*<<choice "Carried">>\n*<<choice "Look in Pockets">>\n
Small, scurrying creatures - much renowned for their speed and agility but extremely difficult to domesticate (or train, as [[Balrog]] knew well).
[[Balrog]]'s favourite way to while away the time whilst going about his daily 'business'.
[[Balrog]] had a quick try but it was securely locked.\n\n*<<choice "unlock chest">>\n*<<choice "pick lock">>
This is where the '[[smallest-room]]' was situated and where [[Balrog]] came to spend a few moments of peaceful meditation.
Gatherings of little-known bands, long-haired hippies and 'ticket-touts' ... and usually with some long-forgotten American superstar as the 'headline act'. \n\nBut what the hell, we only go for the '[[mud]]' and the '[[drugs]]' don't we ?
Clutched tightly, in his podgy little hands, were ..\n\n*<<choice "A small box">>\n*<<choice "A sheet of paper">>\n\nPerched behind his ear was ...\n\n*<<choice "The stub of a pencil ">>
Thin strips of brass, hammered flat and fitted around the [[chest]].
'Solid stone' .. just like it says in the text.
It read "This way to the [[attic]]." A large red arrow pointed upwards.\n\n*<<choice "Go Attic">>\n*<<choice "Look Up">>\n*<<choice "Look Up Drainpipe">>
[[Balrog]] brought his left hand down hard in the region of the small green [[frog]] ... there was a very loud 'Splat!' and gobs of greennish-red fluid flew in all directions.\n\n"F*ck him" thought [[Balrog]], "Never did like them little hopping twats."
Wizened little creatures that dwell in the West .. unless they have moved to your area and then they live just up the street.
Short, sharp pointy things - great for holding wood together.
[[Balrog]] jabbed down with his thumb and the door whirred into action .. once it had closed, [[Balrog]] placed the [[small black box]] on the wooden [[shelf]] and picked up the copy of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' that was lying on the floor.\n\nFor the nexty forty minutes [[Balrog]] sat engrossed in the pages of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' - interrupted only by the occasional loud trumpeting noise and the odd cloud of green gas - eventually his 'business' done, he tore the '[[Financial Pages]]' into neat squares, wiped his bum and hung the remainder of the little sheets of newspaper on the [[nail]] at the side of him.\n\nHappy and contented [[Balrog]] picked up the [[small black box]], pressed the little red [[button]] and emerged into the sunlight.\n\nCongratulations you have just completed this little epic ..
[[Balrog]] delved into his pockets but all he could find was his [[phone]] and a half-eaten [[bacon roll]]. As he had no use for one at present and he was saving the other for later, he put them back again.
[[Balrog]] reached down and picked up the copy of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' that the [[paperboy]] had slipped under the door earlier.\n\nHaving read the front page he tried to open out the newspaper in order to view pages 2 and 3 but found that his hands were too full. In order to free himself up he placed the [[small black box]] on the wooden [[shelf]].\n\nNow free to turn to the pages of his choice he settled back and was soon engrossed in the daily gossip.\n\nUnbeknowns to him a large column of [[ants]] were sneaking along the floor, up the wall and on to the [[shelf]]. Seizing the [[small black box]], they quickly retraced their steps and vanished out the open door clutching the [[small black box]].\n\n"Stuff you, you old tw*t!! We have the [[batteries]] again .. " screeched the [[ants]]. scurrying towards the safety of the briar hedge.\n\n[[Balrog]] sat there, pants around his ankles, [[shiny new door]] open to the elements and no means to close it ....\n\nSadly this attempt is over ...\n\nTHE END
It was round, small and golden. Around the edge were the words "Awarded For 1st Place In The Roach Races" whilst on the front was a picture of a [[Cockroach]]. On the back was the [[date]].
The beloved 'four-string twanger' .. just saying names like Hofner, Burns and Fender makes my scrotum tingle.
Formed from solid stone [[slabs]], it lead from the [[back door]] to the [[bottom of the garden]].
To some it was nothing more than an off-white porcelain [[toilet-bowl]] topped with a [[round wooden seat]] but to [[Balrog]] it was a place of contentment and tranquility .. and the occassional powerful 'movement'.
Looks small, tatty and crumpled to me.\n\n* <<choice "read paper">>\n* <<choice "throw paper">>
[[Balrog]] reached down and picked up the copy of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' that the [[paperboy]] had slipped under the door earlier.\n\nHe tried to open out the newspaper in order to view the [[crossword]] but found that his hands were too full. In order to free himself up he placed the [[small black box]] on the wooden [[shelf]]. Now free to do what he wished, he settled back, flicked the [[plasterwork]] off the point of the pencil and was soon engrossed in the [[crossword]].\n\nUnbeknowns to him a large column of [[ants]] were sneaking along the floor, up the wall and on to the [[shelf]]. Seizing the [[small black box]], they quickly retraced their steps and vanished out the open door clutching the [[small black box]].\n\n"Stuff you, you old tw*t!! We have the [[batteries]] again .. " screeched the [[ants]]. scurrying towards the safety of the briar hedge.\n\n[[Balrog]] sat there, pants around his ankles, [[shiny new door]] open to the elements and no means to close it ....\n\nSadly this attempt is over ...\n\nTHE END
A combination of '[[wheat]]' and '[[all-bran]]' that persuaded even [[Balrog]]'s bowels to part with their contents on a regular basis.
The first thing [[Balrog]] puts in the cup whenever he makes a coffee.
As usual [[Balrog]] was his usual decisive self and did nothing ...
[[Balrog]] leant over, seized the [[carpet]] by one corner and lifted it up ... however all that was revealed was a load of dust.
Balrog's favourite reading-matter .. after '[[Naked Gnomes & Elves]]' of course.
Prostrating himself on the ground, [[Balrog]] reached under the [[briar-hedge]] and began to feel around with his podgy little digits. Suddenly he felt something wet and slimy under his grasp .. quickly withdrawing his hand [[Balrog]] stood up again.\n\n*<<choice "try again">>\n*<<choice "forget it">>
Most probably straight from the local 'Building Supplies' depot.
Mischievious little black insects with a knack of always being in the right place at the wrong time - over the years they had been the bane of [[Balrog]]'s life and he had vowed to wipe them off the face of the Earth - one day!!
[[Balrog]] entered the '[[smallest-room]]', lowered his pants and settled himself down on the '[[throne]]' .. to one side of him was a wooden [[shelf]] whilst on the other hung a lone solitary [[nail]].\n\n*<<choice "Do Crossword">>\n*<<choice "Close Door">>\n*<<choice "Read Gazzette">>\n*<<choice "Press Button ">>\n
Balrog stood halfway down the [[garden]] [[path]], in one hand he held a small black [[box]] and in the other a crumpled sheet of [[paper]]. The pale sunlight glinted off his shiny [[boots]] and there was a touch of frost in the air, [[Balrog]] sensed the approach of Winter.\n\nOverhead a flock of [[black birds]] whirled in flight, constantly casting glances in the direction of the [[roof]].\n\n*<<choice "Inventory">>\n*<<choice "Carried ">>\n\n
[[Balrog]] looked up and heard a voice cry ...\n\n"Look out below, here I come. I'm coming down, so move your bum."\n\nJust then a dark shape leapt off the edge of the [[roof]] and hurtled to the ground below. \n\nThere was a sickening 'Splat!! and [[Balrog]] looked down at the crumpled 'blob' lying on the [[path]]. \n\n"Wonder what that was ?" thought [[Balrog]] but just then the 'blob' popped back into shape and darted off in the direction of the [[bottom of the garden]], laughing as it went.\n\n"Hmm," thought [[Balrog]], "Must have been one of those [[Lemin-rat]]s that the [[Troll]] told me about.
How .. ???
It was the 'instruction-manual' that came with the [[small black box]]
Small, green, wet and slippery.
A creature from the East, dark of complexion and cheery of nature, he delivered the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' through all weathers and against all odds. \n\n"Hmm," thought [[Balrog]], "Maybe I should give him a '[[Christmas Box]]' this year."
Love of [[Balrog]]'s life and the one thing that has kept him going all these years ... that and '[[Tia Maria]]' of course.
Only £24.99 (complete with two sets of discs), it would be just the job to smooth down the surface of the [[toilet-seat]].
[[Balrog]] saw ... his [[boots]].
It looked as though the [[gutters]] had been overflowing down the outside brickwork and the water was now penetrating through the wall.
A small, green, wet and slippery creature.
Situated just below the '[[crossword]]', it was on page 6 of this week's '[[Goblin Gazzette]]'.
[[Balrog]] thought about that but was wary of what he might touch, so he withdrew his hand - quickly.
"Why would I want to read an old issue of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]'?" thought [[Balrog]].
[[Balrog]] poked around in various places, even behind the wooden [[chest]] but no sign could be seen of the [[ants]].\n\n*<<choice "move chest">>\n*<<choice "Search harder">>
"Are you a musician?" asked [[Balrog]].\n\n"Nope, only wish I was. Every since I plucked my first [[bass-guitar]] string at the age of 15 I have wanted to be in a band but I was never good enough to hit the big-time", sighed the [[frog]].
[[Balrog]] stood at the bottom of the [[garden]], in front of the [[shiny new door]] to the '[[smallest-room]]'.\n\n*<<choice "carried ">>\n*<<choice "press button">>
The pages of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' that [[Balrog]] never read ..
Short, fat and hairy ...
Too dark to see anything ...
Small, black and compact, it was the remote-control for the door to the '[[smallest-room]]'.
It was small, black and made of plastic. In the centre of it was a solitary red [[button]] and on the [[underside]] was a [[compartment]] that could be slid open or closed.\n\n*<<choice "Press Button">>\n*<<choice "Do nothing">>
[[Balrog]] now stood in the room at the top of the house. Over in one corner was a large wooden [[chest]], whilst on the furthest wall (the one just under the eaves) was a large damp [[patch]] (with a hole in the middle of it).\n\nLying on the floor was a crumpled [[ball]] of newspaper.\n\n*<<choice "Uncrumple ball">>\n*<<choice "Take ball">>
Situated deep underground they not only serve to convey all 'excess' to the 'treatment plant' but have also been known to harbour dangerous creatures such as the '[[Rattigator]]' that escaped from the local zoo.
You name it, they all do the same thing ... scramble your head and play havoc with your '[[sex-drive]]'.\n\nNearly as bad as '[[Diet-Coke]]' .....
Ideal for storing things when your hands are full ...
A 'SammySun Glaxo Nut 3' .. produced by the little yellow elves who live far to the East and believe that the word 'copyright' gives them the right to 'copy' whatever they like and sell it for half the price of the original.
Home to many and the place where [[Balrog]] had spent all of his living-days .. he hoped to spend his dead ones here as well, albeit suitably interred in the local [[cemetery]].
Crumbly, sweet and best served with custard ... [[Balrog]] has been known to devour two bucketfuls at one sitting !!!
Glancing through the pages, [[Balrog]] noticed an article about some old '[[Roach races]]', another about the death of a [[Lemin-rat]] and one more concerning [[the decline in the sales of computer software]].\n\nJust then the door swung open and in shuffled a [[Cockroach]].\n\n"So that is where the little sods hid it, is it. They nicked it a couple of weeks ago and I have been searching for it ever since."\n\nThe [[Cockroach]] picked up the [[medallion]], walked over to the [[ants]] who were gathered on the other side of the [[attic]] and with much twitching of mandibles began slapping them about the head quite severely.\n\nA few moments later the [[Cockroach]] returned handed [[Balrog]] some [[batteries]], saying "I think these might belong to you", then scampered out of the [[attic]].\n\n*<<choice "Insert batteries">>\n*<<choice "Do nothing">>
It looked to be the sort of place where the [[batteries]] would be stored.\n\n*<<choice "open compartment">>\n*<<choice "Do nothing">>
The door whirred into life again and shut with a "clang!!".
[[Balrog]] scrunched the piece of [[paper]] into a small ball and tossed it in the direction of the nearby [[briar-hedge]], then remembering how bad his memory was he picked it back up again before he forgot how to operate the little [[box]].
The way into the house ....
[[Balrog]] peered at the [[drainpipe]] and then noticed that there was a small [[notice]] pinned to the inside.
A chubby unkempt little creature that spent most of its time in the [[attic]] - especially whenever [[Balrog]] took it upon himself to remove the 'knots' from its fur.
Aahh, them were the days ... Watney's 'party 7' tins and cheap scrumpy purchased from round the back of the off-licence.
Quite large, quite wet and not as hard as the surrounding [[plasterwork]].\n\n*<<choice "Examine Plasterwork">>\n*<<choice "Remove Plasterwork">>\n
Once stuck to [[Balrog]]'s arse with 'superglue', it still had small pieces of skin and hair attached to its surface. However [[Balrog]] had recently bought a nice new '[[sander]]' from 'Build-It-Yourself' and was planning to smooth them all away.
[[Balrog]] blames this for [[Mrs Balrog]]'s dementia ...
Left-over from breakfast, [[Balrog]] was saving it for when the 'mid-morning-munchies' struck.
Don't be f*cking stupid, that sort of command is for '[[proper adventures]]'. You will be asking for a response to the '[[help]]' command soon ...
The ugly old sod that lived in the hovel on the other side of the [[briar-hedge]].
Something, according to [[Mrs Balrog]], that [[Balrog]] lost years ago ...
Large black birds with a fondness for squatting on high.
One grey and one white (with various black splodges), they spend most of their time sheltering under the [[rhubarb]] leaves when it is raining.
[[Balrog]] stabbed the pencil into the wet plasterwork and began to dig away at it. Some moments later a large hole appeared in the wall.\n\n*<<choice "Look in hole">>\n*<<choice "Feel in hole">>\n\nBe brave and ....\n\n*<<choice "Examine hole closely">>
Fitted securely to the top of the porcelain toilet-bowl it offered [[Balrog]] a place to park his bum on a cold morning and had been a faithful resting-place for many a year now.
One of the operations [[keys]] are needed for.
Noticing a small 'bump' in the [[carpet]], [[Balrog]] stamped down on it with his right foot and recoiled in shock as, with a large cry of "Bloody hell!!", the [[ants]] came scurrying out through a hole in the [[carpet]].\n\nThe [[ants]] ran across the floor and when they reached the far wall they gathered in a small circle and shouted defiance at [[Balrog]].\n\n"F*ck you, you great bag of lard!!" yelled the [[ants]]. "These [[batteries]] are ours and you can kiss them goodbye."\n\n
Star of countless adventures and the being without whom [[Zenobi Software]] would never have become the 'tour-de-force' it did.\n\nPurveyor of goodwill, [[help]] and assistance to all concerned.\n\nNow retired and enjoying every minute of it ... though the money is not what it could be. Bloody [[pension]] doesn't stretch that far in these dire times.
[[Balrog]] reached down and picked up the crumpled ball of newspaper.\n\n"That's ours !!" cried the [[ants]], swarming all over [[Balrog]], before grabbing the [[ball]] and heading off out of the [[attic]].\n\nIn his temper [[Balrog]] chucked the [[small black box]] after them but missed and the [[small black box]] shattered against the door-frame.\n\n"F*ck it !!" yelled [[Balrog]], now I will have to go and buy a new [[small black box]].\n\nSadly this means your current attempt is over ....\n\n\nTHE END
The neat little contraption where [[Balrog]] stores his 'bijoux de famille'.
It connects the [[gutter]] to the drains and conveys the excess rainwater down from off of the roof.
The medium whereby 'read', 'type', 'save', 'load' and 'quit' were put to such good use.
[[Balrog]] will find that at the '[[bottom of the garden]]'.
Situated at the top of the [[garden]], they provide [[Mrs Balrog]] with lots of fruit throughout late Summer/early Autumn.\n\nAlso home to the [[small hairy worms]] that the [[little brown birds]] seem so fond of.
Provider of shelter for the [[rabbits]] during Summer storms and a main 'ingredient' in [[Mrs Balrog]]'s '[[crumble]]'.
Which way did they go ... ???
Once a proud, lengthy 2B it was now reduced to a small stub .. however it still had a sharp point as [[Balrog]] had sharpened it only this morning.\n\n*<<choice "Dig Out Plaster">>\n*<<choice "Do nothing">>
[[Balrog]] jabbed down with one podgy digit and the [[shiny new door]] whirred into action ....\n\n*<<choice "Go inside">>\n*<<choice "Press button ">>
Possibly from the large forest to the North but more likely purchased from the local branch of 'Dun-it-All'.
Large, imposing and constructed from fine [[pine]], it was held together with [[banded-hoops]] and [[brass]] [[nails]]. It looked to be the sort of container that [[treasure]] was stored in.
Tell me about it ....!!!!!
Usually to be found at the entrance to rooms or dwellings and in the old days were normally mounted on brass [[hinges]].
"Just who the f*ck are you ?" asked [[Balrog]], doing his best to stay as far from the small green [[frog]] as his present predicament would allow him to.\n\n"I'm Albert," smiled the [[frog]]. "I am on my way to [[Glastonbury]] and just stopped under your '[[briar-hedge]]' for moment or two to relieve myself." \n\n"By the way, I have just seen a load of [[ants]] running off with what looked like some [[batteries]]. They seemed to be heading in the direction of that [[drainpipe]] over there."\n\n*<<choice "examine drainpipe">>\n*<<choice "follow ants">>\n*<<choice "Ask frog">>
Once these 'annual events' were held on a regular basis and punters came from all over the [[Shyre]] to race (and watch) [[Cockroach]]es. Prizes were awarded to the various winners and the small gold [[medallions]] were much coveted.
Sturdily contructed (to support [[Balrog]]'s weight it would have to be) from off-white porcelain, it stood firmly in the middle of the floor of the '[[smallest-room]]'
Clutched tightly, in his podgy little hands, were ..\n\n*<<choice "A small box">>\n*<<choice "A sheet of paper">>\n\nPerched behind his ear was ...\n\n*<<choice "The stub of a pencil">>
The greatest little software-house in the history of '[[text-adventures]]' and somewhere that will be greatly missed now that [[Balrog]] has hung up his [[posing-pouch]] and ceased to be the producer of such epics.
Generally ornate things that were used to [[lock]] and [[unlock]] [[doors]] and [[chest]]s.
The infamous 'biter of bums' and the one thing that [[Balrog]] fears most when he is sat on the porcelain '[[throne]]'.
Sharp of talon and beak, they lived far off to the west and were reputed to be savage, heartless killers.
Very effective when it came to trimming [[briar-hedge]]s but not that good when it came to trimming 'knots' out of fur - as the [[cat]] would be more than happy to testify to.
What was responsible for the large 'damp [[patch]]' in the attic .. either that or the damn cat had been caught short again !!!
[[Balrog]] turned over the [[small black box]] and inserted the [[batteries]]. \n\n"Right, now I am off to the '[[smallest-room]]' to enjoy doing the [[crossword]] and evacuating my bowels."\n\nWith that [[Balrog]] shuffled out of the [[attic]] and made his way to the '[[smallest-room]]'. \n\nIn the [[attic]] the [[ants]] were busy hatching their next fiendish plan .... and vowing to inflict their revenge on the [[Balrog]] !!!\n\nGo to the ..\n\n*<<choice "Bottom Of The Garden">>\n*<<choice "smallest room">>
Pages of the '[[Goblin Gazzette]]' that were folded and then ripped into neat little squares.
by The Rochdale Balrog\n
1988
[[Balrog]] now stood in the room at the top of the house. Over in one corner was a large wooden [[chest]], whilst on the furthest wall (the one just under the eaves) was a large 'damp [[patch]]'.\n\n*<<choice "open chest">>\n*<<choice "examine patch">>\n*<<choice "search for ants">>
A yellow metal, easily polished to a bright sheen and much used in the construction of [[keys]], [[nails]], [[hinges]] and [[chest]]s.
Once a fine example of the art of 'carpet-weaving' it was now dull, moth-eaten and well in need of a good beating.
Fixed to the bottom of the sloping [[roof]], it conveys the excess rainwater to the [[drainpipe]] and then down into the [[drains]].
Most probably [[rooks]] but there was just the off-chance they could be [[Korat]] .. [[Balrog]] shivered at the thought.
[[Balrog]] would need the correct set of [[keys]] to do that ...
Small, black and plastic, it was the remote-control for the door to the '[[smallest-room]]'.
Slimy, smelly, wet brown stuff .. much beloved by [[frog]]s and [[festival-goers]] alike,
The work of the [[Gnome]] who lived up the street and a fine example of how to skim a wall. It is surprising just what he can do with some plaster and a drop of water.
Clutched tightly, in his podgy little hands, were ..\n\n*<<choice "A small black box">>\n*<<choice "A crumpled sheet of paper">>\n\nPerched behind his ear was ...\n\n*<<choice "The stub of a pencil ">>
The pittance the Government gives you in exchange for all the 'National Insurance' contributions paid in over your 'working-years'.\n\n"Thank goodness for 'Pound-Shops'", says [[Mrs Balrog]] "It means I have more to squander at the 'Bingo'".
Pressing down, [[Balrog]] slid the lid of the little [[compartment]] to one side ... some moments later the [[batteries]] dropped out and rolled under the nearby '[[briar-hedge]]'.\n\n"Sh*t!!" hissed [[Balrog]], "Wonder where they have gone to ?"\n\n*<<choice "Examine hedge">>\n*<<choice "Look under hedge">>\n*<<choice "Feel under hedge">>
[[Balrog]] thought about it for a moment and then plucking up his courage he fiddled about in the hole for a bit and then snatched his hand back out again ... as he did so, something tumbled to the floor.\n\n*<<choice "Look down">>\n*<<choice "Redescribe">>\n
Contained within the wooden hut that stood proudly at the [[bottom of the garden]], it was home to the porcelain '[[throne]]' that [[Balrog]] occupied for at least forty minutes each and every morning ... one thing about '[[Wheatalax]]', they sure kept you 'regular'.
